I love you, pause and we hang up.
I don’t want to say good bye either. See you later, I love you, have a great day, good night, sleep well, but not good bye. We haven’t spoken about this, we have just fallen into a pattern of not saying good bye.
I am reluctant to say it. I know that it comes from contracting the phrase G-d be with Ye, and I so want G-d to be with him, but yet I still am reluctant to say good bye. Commonly this phrase is known to mean farewell. May you fare well, yes please be well, well of body, of mind, of spirit, fare well. But it is also used finally. And I think that is why I have shied away from saying it. I don’t want to acknowledge how semi-permanent this deployment is. I don’t want to focus on how far apart we are and for how long. When I play back the night he deployed I don’t think we said good bye then either. I think he said its time for you to go, get the kids to bed, and I said okay kissed him a good one and took the kids home.
I told my youngest son that “Daddy is far far away, for a long long time.” I would like to live in the innocence of his mind when he runs off to the laundry room and I ask what are you doing, his reply? I want to go far far away.
So if not saying good bye means that he’s just far far away for a long long time, then that is the kind of denial I think I can live with.