This evening was a little off kilter.
I had planned on reading the portion to the kids and a few more chapters in Matthew. I got a call from a friend and so off we went to deliver some much needed medicine. While delivering the meds I was so upset by the treatment my friend was receiving at the hands of the medical staff at the hospital. I was in tears on the way home. Even after finding out someone was staying with her for most of the night I was still upset. I wanted to be able to do more, so I prayed.
Later after the kids had gone to bed I had this ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Every little noise, the dogs barking, house shifting made me jump. I was in the kitchen about to grab myself some comfort food and I saw some avocados in the basket. I thought I wonder if it would be alright to make guacamole, my favorite comfort food. The Father’s instant comforting reply, was of course my daughter if it would make you feel better, I hate to see you suffer. I am in tears as I write this, that My G-d, My Father, the Most High, the King of the Universe, would suffer at my suffering.
I have had General Anxiety Disorder for almost five years. When it first hit me I was immobilized to be any kind of mother, housekeeper, educator, to be anything. Coupled with PPD (late onset due to weaning my son) I would sit on the couch and completely ignore my children, I was so disinterested with everything. When I did feel something it was a terrifying fear, of something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. It manifested with a fear of food, of eating in public, of large open places, large gatherings of people, fear of medicine, fear of being alone…so many things. Today I can say Baruch Hashem that there are days when I am not afraid of anything. But tonight, there was/is that tickling feeling in my stomach, that small reminder of what use to be and could be. And yet the blessing is that The Holy One blessed be He saw fit to show me today of all days that He suffers with me and for me. How comforting a thought.
I’m not sure what I feel now, but I know I am not alone in all this.