After Sabbath Musings – 2/5/2012
I have had a hard time writing this weekend. I would love to play it off as writer’s block, or the kids ate up too much of my time, or just couldn’t settle on the topic. But the truth is I have been anxious. I find it almost impossible to write and to communicate on any kind of a deep level when I am suffering through a bout of anxiety.
In April – May of 2007, things are a bit fuzzy here so bear with me, I suffered a series of anxiety attacks. I was in a half day program, basically daycare for grown ups for a week, I was given medications that hurt more than helped, I was offered the most amazing care by my Mom-in-Love, who took me and the kids in for weeks, I think it was weeks. I was terrified to be alone, to be in large groups, to be near food, to eat food, to take medication, to be too far from my pills, I refused to sleep alone, to sleep to far from my children, I was afraid to be alone with my own children. Since then my mind has healed, and become stronger. It has also suffered setbacks and been weak.
Almost always I have 2-3 small bouts of anxiety a week. Nothing I need meds for, nothing that prevents me from caring for my children, just slight bouts, that leave me nauseous, cranky and tired. Occassionally, when my stress level is high I might have a harder time, needing meds, someone to help with the kids, or good long nap. This has been the case a few times while Bobby is deployed, when I have a newborn to care for etc.
This past week has been one of those times, my youngest child weaned herself, and for those in the know that means I’m not getting multiple daily doses of some great hormones, that G-d has engineered to keep us Mamas on an even keel. Though I am not one to mourn the loss of babyhood, I do find myself wishing for another dose of whatever that stuff is that keeps the anxiety at bay.