Missing you

I’ve been having a hard time blogging lately. Much like I have been having a hard time homeschooling, and cleaning house and cooking…My thoughts keep returning to my Granny, she died a year ago last week. I know the pain is not as severe as it was I am still taken by surprise by my inablility to control my grief.

Two weeks before my Granny died, I had a dream a very real dream, where I awoke, fearful and sad. When she passed so unexpectedly I realized that even though the rest of us didn’t know it was her time, she did. She planned this      elaborate party at the veterans home where Grandpa was living to celebrate their anniversary. 64 years. Two days later, she was gone. I miss her, I miss her so much.

My Grandpa walked me down the aisle. My Granny traveled across country to hold my first born son. They came every year till Grandpa was too sick to visit anymore, then I took my fourth child to see Grandpa while he still lived at home, the last great grandchild he would hold, play with, call peanut and squirt. Granny came out to visit the Summer before she passed away she held my fifth child, our second daughter. My son Joshua couldn’t get enough of her and cuddled with her every time she sat still. We have lots of pictures. When I took her to the airport we held each other tightly both of us crying, she said I won’t be coming out anymore, I’m too old…we laughed through our tears, she always said that, but she was right.

Two nights ago I had a dream,  my Granny was in that dream, I woke and promptly fell apart in tears, sobbing. I couldn’t help myself and the wall of grief washed over me like a sneaky wave, pressing me down into the sand. When I surfaced for air I felt clean and free, I felt ready to start my day and be an actual participant.  I’m crying as I write this, but I know its going to get better now.


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