I don’t remember what day it was, but I woke up terrified. Not the kind of terrified that you have accompanying a nightmare that starts to fade as you become aware of being conscious, but the kind that tells you something horrible is happening. But it wasn’t, there was nothing wrong, the children were fast asleep, it was 5 in the morning, Bobby hadn’t even gotten up for work yet, he had a late call that morning. But I was up, terrified, panicked, and I couldn’t calm down…It was horrible and I don’t know what caused it, but I never want to feel that way again. It’s weird because it’s only been a week or so and those horrible feelings have already faded. I’m glad for that but it was so intense that you feel like it will never leave and then it does, but you are so weak and spent and afraid it will come back.
I’ve started seeing a therapist, I took a week off to stay with Mom and recuperate, and I’ve been trying to peel back the stresses in my life and make some changes, some small some big.
I’m going to have our respite care provider come five days a week for the extra hands. I’m revamping our home school curriculum on advice from the therapist. Her logic is that home schooling is such a huge part of my life that perhaps what I’m doing isn’t working for me. So I’m switching from SOS to Homeschooling Torah. HS is a “together” curriculum for the majority of the subjects and will be more hands on…which I do enjoy and we will see if it makes me less stressed than the computer based program. I’m excited about the change and looking forward to getting my hands dirty. I’m taking care of myself, letting the children know when I need a break, and taking it. Bobby and I have a few dates on the calender so we can’t break them, a couple of over-nighters too. 😉
I thought about starting up a journal, to help me work through these healing times, but I was reminded how helpful this blog was when Bobby was deployed a few years ago. So here I am. I also thought do I want all my people to know what I am going through…and here’s the thing, I do. The more we push mental illness into the dark the harder it is for people to seek help when they find themselves at a loss. There should be no shame in suffering from mood disorders, bipolar, anxieties, etc.
God has a plan for us, for our good times and bad, he works them together for good. Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.